The Beautiful Autumn Air
by Panthera Gilt
Summary: So this is my first true FanFiction, and let me tell it's taken awhile to make. I wanted to make something about Eren and his mental state, and I'll admit this got heavier than I thought it would, but I like the way it plays out. Hopefully your not coming for rainbows and lollipops because this is far from it. SPOILERS from the Manga. Reviews are appreciated. Enjoy! -Panthera Gilt


Eren always loved the autumn air, it felt so nice to him. The sun would be as bright as it was in the summer, but it would still be chilly out. The sky had a beautiful grey and bright look to it that he always felt was unique to the season of autumn. It's a uniqueness that he felt was unmatched to the other seasons the Earth has to offer. That's why autumn is his favorite season, those simple reasons, except for the addition of one. Autumn offered him a feeling that just makes him feel so swollen up with happiness, especially with Mikasa around, she just makes everything brighter for him.

It was only in autumn though, where he would actually spend more time of the day lying on the side of a small hill in the soft grass than lounging in his home. He would also say it's chilly out, lying in the grass like this, but his abilities basically turned him into a human heater, which he has to say is quite helpful when you have a good friend with you who always seem to be cold. It's especially helpful when that friend just so happens to be the one you love. It's even better when you know that person loved you just as much as you loved them.

He looked down away from the sky to see Mikasa resting with her head on his chest, and using his body as a bed; one that he hoped was perfect for her. She was asleep, her eyes were shut, but somehow, her face still glistened in the sun's light just as it did when she had a beautiful smile on her face whenever she was awake. She was beautiful… it still took his breath away. He very much loved her, and he knew she loved him too. He can't help but wonder why he did what he did, why he risked his little nine year old life to save a girl he didn't even know. Of course, it may have been the right thing to do, but he was nine years old, that's a young age to stab two men to death without thinking twice. Not that Eren ever thought twice about many things (though he's learnt many lessons), but he basically killed two people without a second thought.

He knew people who had killed someone in self defense, and still had nightmares about the idea of just killing another human. Eren isn't saying he regretted killing those traffickers so long ago, he would never regret killing those monsters disguised as humans. He wouldn't regret meeting the person who would slowly begin to become the one person he wouldn't ever want to lose. He never would have wanted to think twice about saving her life. He made a choice, and it was a choice that he will never regret, all he'll do is praise himself for that brilliant choice he made, he'll kill anyone for her.

"So many damn choices." He thought to himself once more. There is so much possibility now, with the titans gone, and the shifters now extinct, save for one. When he made the choice to use his powers against his enemies, he had no clue just how much he would learn after that choice. All the king's abilities, all the new found enemies, all those revelations piled into one massive pile of stress Eren had to hold onto. A lot of people have thanked him for holding the weight of the human nature on his shoulders. Even the great Levi Ackerman has told him that Eren's the superior one of the two in many regards, in which Eren didn't have any thoughts on that because of the pure shock and doubt he had against that statement.

People really did praise him, but he didn't really care much about that. All he ever wanted was peace. That did happen, but with that being a success, it brought along some things that Eren didn't want, some things that made him feel truly like a massive piece of shit. That may be a bit much when it comes to feeling, but for the longest time, Eren only ever felt nothing but pain. He never wanted to talk about it, he just wanted to move on. He thought feelings weren't necessary as long as he could succeed.

At the time, he didn't care about those feelings, he didn't even know much of what they were. He had taken in so much, like the truth behind the walls, the truth behind shifters, the truth behind Annie, Reiner, and Bertholdt. Zeke… Eldia, Marley, and Ymir. He tried to push it back, but it would just lead to him waking up in the night from a nightmare that felt all too much like real life. It all piled into him as a hopeless mess of emotion that he'd believed he'd never have to show to anyone.

His actions and decisions had led up to the masses revolting Eldia, and deeming him the real villain. Marley had led the attack on Paradis, but soon many others joined them, Eldia had become too much of a looming threat for them to not engage. Even after the countless battles he had led for Eldia, he had killed so many, but he didn't mind. He'd finished what his dad had started, wrong or right, he didn't think it mattered anymore. He only wanted Marley gone, but the world wanted Eldia gone, so he had to make a play. Now all that was left was Eldia, it's still bewildering to think about. He almost couldn't believe it. A war that lead to Eldia standing tall, it was almost too much for him.

Soon after the war was over, he allowed himself to be placed on trial. Eren was seen as a true monster at that point. The members of this trial were many, and all were against him, even after all he's done for them. To most he was the real villain. To Eren, it's just an example onto no matter what you do, someone will always be there to try to spread hatred on you, the groups that were against him was the reason he was taking place in this trial, but honestly, they had no chance to win against him,as the leaders believed his action necessary, besides everyone knew what Eren had done and it couldn't be reversed, there was no need for execution at that point.

The whole situation with the trial, and the people, was a bit too much for him. This life was all too much for him. Even most of his friends had looked at him as a monster now, but someone was there to believe in him, even after all he'd done. Mikasa had every right to hate him after he told her how he felt about her. She could see through him though, she could see the pain that he couldn't. So she stayed with him, and he was all too grateful, the thought itself makes tears come to his eyes. He didn't deserve her affection at all, but he had it… this was all too real to him, and he still can't believe this is where he was now. With all the rambling he had been doing in his head, he nearly missed the fact the Mikasa had started to stir on him.

"Eren" She mumbled, sleepily opening her eyes.

"Hm?" He responded softly. Now that he sees her awake now, they must have been out all night sleeping on the little hill. He didn't think about it at first, he was awoken by a little dream, one he's forgotten already, and at the same time, he was distracted by Mikasa's body on him resting. With all that, he didn't even think about what time it must have been, or how cold it was through the night. His titan shifting body must have been enough warmth for her.

"What time is it?" She asked while bearing sheepish eyes from just waking up.

"I don't know," he said, "But it's quite late." He answered whilst looking at the night sky.

"I slept all night." She said, a little surprised.

"Yes. Yes you did."

"Well, I feel well rested." She said with a smile, and bright beautiful eyes.

"Yeah, well I'd say I feel about the same." he said, leaning ever so closer to her face until her lips ever so gently touched his. The little kiss was enough to wake Mikasa right up.

Their lips parted, and Eren got a good grip on her to hold her tight.

"Are you cold at all?" He asked just to spark a conversation.

"No." She replied in a soft voice.

"And you slept well?" He asked.

"Yes, why are you asking?" She questioned with a sweet little smile.

"Because I love you" Was his reply.

She chuckled at the intimate statement.

"I love you to." Was her response.

He reached in for a kiss, but he couldn't help but feel an overwhelming pressure, for her, for himself, for his friends.

* * *

He finally woke up from the wretched nightmare. How could he ever think he could actually be that lucky? His dream was that of a world he'd never have.

"Fuck..." Was all he could muster as the air chilled around him.

"I'm a weakling… " He says to himself.

"I couldn't do anything."

"My friends are gone."

"It's all my fault."

"Why did life have to be so cruel to me?"

He contemplates.

"I must deserve it…"

He sits there lying down next to a cliff side. It's dark, and quiet, all he could hear was the sound of the ocean far below him. It's eerie, but it's all too right for someone like him. Eldia was gone, his friends were all gone, he was all that's left. He lost… He felt nothing anymore, not even pain, he just feels nothing, nothing at all. He's empty now… He wants to blame someone for it all, but he can't. Everything that's happened to him is his own doing. He pushed his friends away, he thought he was destined to be the savior. Boy did he play himself for a fool.

"You did it Eren… you pulled the ultimate ploy on yourself. You thought you belonged." He says as he smirks at such a thought.

He looks out across the ocean. The moonlight reflecting off the waves… it's too pretty. It's a sight he doesn't deserve, but he knows he too selfish to look away. He breathes in the beautiful autumn air, looks at the night sky, takes it all in one last time. Then he takes a leap, the biggest he's ever made in his life, and just like that his mind is gone, and he says to himself one last time before he hits the waves in a thundering ripple.

"I deserve it." He says, as his eyes close for one last time, and as the air from him is slowly taken away from him, he is finally granted the rest he's been longing for.

_"I deserve it."_


End file.
